William Ury of the Harvard Project on Negotiation noted that “It may seem odd, but the secret is, if we want to listen to the other side, we have to learn to listen to ourselves first.”[1] Ury describes an important negotiation he facilitated between the Venezuelan government and the opposition. It was a time of intense conflict, and many people feared a civil war might break out. He and a colleague had an appointment with President Hugo Chavez at 9:00 pm at the Presidential Palace. Finally, at midnight, they were ushered in to see the president who was gathered with his entire cabinet.
The president asked him, “So, Ury, what do you think of the situation going on here?” Ury responded, “Mr. President, I’ve been talking to your ministers here and to the opposition. I think you’re making some progress.”
President Chavez exploded on him, “Progress? What do you mean progress?” he shouted.
“You’re blind. You’re not seeing all the dirty tricks those traitors are up to.” Chavez leaned in very close to Ury’s face and proceeded to shout. Ury notes that part of him naturally felt like defending himself. But he knew that it wasn’t going to do any good to get into an argument with the President of Venezuela. That wouldn’t advance peace. So, he just listened. Ury gave him his full attention. He listened to where he was coming from. After 30 minutes of him just nodding and listening, the president’s shoulders slowly sagged.
He said to Ury in a very weary tone of voice: “So, Ury, what should I do?” Ury notes that was “the sound of a human mind opening to listen.”
He said: “Mr. President, it’s almost Christmas. The country needs a break. Last year, all the festivities were canceled because of the conflict. Why not propose a truce this time so that people can enjoy the holidays with their families? After that, maybe everybody will be in a better mood to listen.”
The president responded, “That’s a great idea. I’m going to announce that in my next speech.” His mood had completely shifted and that was through the simple power of listening. Because Ury listened to the president, he was more ready to listen to him.
Ury remembers that when he was sitting there with President Chavez yelling at him, what really helped him was that, just beforehand, he had taken a few moments of quiet to pay attention to what was going on within him. He had listened to himself to quiet his mind. When the President began shouting, he was ready.
Ury recounts, “I could notice that my cheeks were reddening, and my jaw was a little clenched. I felt some fear and anxiety. By paying attention to those sensations and emotions, I was able to let them go so that I could truly listen to President Chavez.”
Ury believes before delicate or sensitive conversations, if we took a moment of silence just to tune in and listen to where we are, if we truly listened to ourselves first, we would find it much easier to listen to others. That’s the power of mindfulness both before (in preparation) and during important conversations.
The famous American psychologist Carl Rogers said the same thing. Rogers wrote,
To listen to oneself is a prerequisite to listening to others…When we are most aroused, excited, and demanding, we are least able to understand our own feelings and attitudes. Yet, in dealing with the problems of others, it becomes most important to be sure of one’s own position, values, and needs. The ability to recognize and understand the meaning which a particular episode has for you, with all the feelings which it stimulates in you, and the ability to express this meaning when you find it getting in the way of active listening, will clear the air and enable you once again to be free to listen. That is, if some person or situation touches off feelings within you which tend to block your attempts to listen with understanding, begin listening to yourself. It is much more helpful in developing effective relationships to avoid suppressing these feelings. Speak them out as clearly as you can, and try to enlist the other person as a listener to your feelings. A person’s listening ability is limited by his ability to listen to himself.[2]
To increase your ability to listen to yourself, practice mindfulness. Practicing mindfulness as a lifestyle will train you to control your impulses so that you can focus on one entity. Immediately before important conversations, take time to check in with yourself to see how you are feeling. Before an important conversation, mindfulness helps you listen to your emotional state, calm down, and prepare to focus and listen to the other party. During the conversation, being aware of the emotions that are being triggered in you—recognizing, understanding, and naming them—allows you to quickly take regulatory steps so that you can refocus your attention on the speaker. Practicing mindfulness will help you improve your social awareness and the ability to be fully present and attuned to the speaker.
[1] William Ury, “The power of listening,” Ted Talk, January 7, 2015, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=saXfavo1OQo.
[2] Carl R. Rogers and Richard E. Farson, Active Listening (Augusta, GA: Mockingbird Press, 2021), Kindle edition, 19.
