Negotiation is a process of communication in which people solve a problem to reach an agreement that satisfies mutual interests. That means negotiation is not relegated to business persons, community leaders, and heads of state. We are always negotiating. Negotiation is life. We negotiate many times every day. We negotiate with our children, spouses, parents, friends, colleagues, salespeople, clerks at a store, and so forth. From the above definition, the three pillars of negotiation are the process of communication, the people, and the problem. You must negotiate each of these pillars well if you want to arrive at a good deal.
My question to you is, which of these three pillars is the most important part of the negotiation?
That is a good question. The communication process and the people are definitely more important than problem-solving. Unfortunately, some people ignore them or quickly brush over them to focus on the real business of problem-solving. The result is that they often fail to reach a good deal or any deal at all. When you take care of the process of communication and the people well, problem-solving is usually very easy.
The Communication Process
Of the three, I would say that the communication process is the most consequential within any given negotiation. Good communication is also how we take care of the people aspect of the negotiation. When done correctly, we built rapport and trust with our counterparts. Our relationship is strengthened and from there, we both seek a solution to the problem that addresses our mutual needs.
The key to effective communication is listening. If you are like me, you have heard that many times. If you are also like me, there is a good chance that the importance of effective listening, just how powerful it is in oiling human relationships, hasn’t taken possession of your heart. It’s not moved you to seek to prioritize learning and practicing effective listening. You still think that effective communication means you listening enough to identify the argument your counterpart is making so that you can make a counterargument that addresses his concerns and so logically persuade or convince him/her. You know that you should listen but you would admit that you really don’t listen well. Whether you’ve thought about it or not, it delights you a little bit to get your point across.
You may also be a people pleaser who isn’t motivated to convince or persuaded others. Perhaps you feel that you don’t have much to contribute. You may have failed in the past and just desire to avoid conflict by listening to people and never bringing up any of your own ideas. It’s better to just shot up, and let them speak out their mind so that you can move on. You use minimal encouragers like “yes,” “uh-huh”, “no”, “mmm”, and actions like nodding to show that you are engaged and listening.
While things like minimal encouragers are helpful, good listening involves much more.
Good listening, also called active listening, starts with paying undivided attention. Stop doing everything and focus on the speaker. That’s true even if you think you can multitask without losing focus on the speaker. It’s not just about what you are sure you can do (even though that is up for debate) but also how the other person perceives your multitasking. Asking them if it’s okay to multitask and getting an affirmative response from them doesn’t mean that, in reality, it will not impact your communication.
Second, mirror their emotions. “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn” (Rom. 12:15). Instead of maintaining an emotionless poker face, mirror their emotions. If they are excited, be excited with them. If they are sad, be sad with them. An exception to this rule of mirroring your counterparts’ expressions is when it comes to anger. Obviously, if they are angry, you shouldn’t reciprocate it. Instead, calmly show concern and label their emotions.
In addition to the above, the four basic communication and listening tools (remembered by the acrostic OARS) are an extremely helpful part of active listening.
- Open-ended questions
- Affirmations
- Reflections (reflective listening)
- Summaries
Some people make the mistake of thinking that listening consists of merely being quiet when the other person talks. While that’s important, listening includes talking. However, the key is that what you say is not about you or advancing your own agender but about allowing the other person to talk and clarifying what they say through reflections. When the focus is on the other person, encouraging them to explore and express themselves so that you can understand them, that’s part of listening. As we know about ourselves, many times, our ideas are formed on the fly as we speak and explain things to others. Someone has said that ideas unravel when they pass through the lips and the tip of a pen. That’s so true. Effective listening includes talking with your counterpart in ways that retain the focus on her and allows her to speak and explore her thoughts so that they unravel before both of you and gain clarity to her at the same time giving you an understanding of her.
Using the OARS skills to actively listen will transform how we listen and communicate. As Stephen Covey would say, it would help us to seek first to understand before being understood. In a future article, I will explain the OARS skills.
Psychologists, physicians, and nurses are taught these skills. We are encouraged to use them to negotiate better with our patients and clients and to help us understand them better. Hostage negotiators at the FBI are taught to use them to negotiate the release of hostages, business negotiators are taught to use them to make deals, and peacemakers are taught to use them to transform conflicts and create peace. The truth is that these skills are essential for all types of communication no matter the relationship or person.
