How to Apologize Properly

I’ve done a lot of research on forgiveness and what an effective apology looks like. Below, I share what other experts say on the subject. For the results of my research on effective apologies, see my article titled: Forgiveness SPEECH: How to give an effective apology.

1. Guy Winch, Ph.D., licensed psychologist, keynote speaker, and author

According to Dr. Winch, an effective apology contains the following elements:

1. A clear “I’m sorry” statement.
2. An expression of regret for what happened.
3. A request for forgiveness.
4. Validate the other person’s feelings
5. Offer compensation or atonement
6. Acknowledge you violated social norms or expectations

Source:
Guy Winch, Emotional First Aid: Healing Rejection, Guilt, Failure, and Other Everyday Hurts (London: Penguin, 2013), 120-135.

2. Ken Sande, Lawyer, Conciliator, Author and speaker

Sande teaches the 7 A’s of Confession as follows:

1. Address everyone involved (All those whom you affected)
2. Avoid if, but, and maybe (Do not try to excuse your wrongs)
3. Admit specifically (Both attitudes and actions)
4. Acknowledge the hurt (Express sorrow for hurting someone)
5. Accept the consequences (Such as making restitution)
6. Alter your behavior (Change your attitudes and actions)
7. Ask for forgiveness

Source:
Ken Sande, The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict (Ada: Baker Books, 2004), 126-134.

3. Gary Chapman, PhD., and Jennifer Thomas, PhD., Authors.

Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas teach five ingredients of an effective apology five:

1. “I’m sorry”: Expressing regret
2. “I was wrong”: Accepting responsibility
3. “How can I make it right?”: Making restitution
4. “I want to change”: Genuinely repenting
5. “Can you find it in your heart…”: Requesting forgiveness

Source:
Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas, When Sorry Isn’t Enough: Making Things Right with Those You Love (Chicago: Moody Publishers, 2013), 20-82 .

4. Christine Carter, Ph.D., Senior Fellow at the Greater Good Science Center, at UC Berkeley

Dr. Carter talks about “The Three Parts of an Effective Apology” as follows:

1. Tell them what you feel
2. Admit your mistake AND the negative impact it had
3. Make the situation right

https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/the_three_parts_of_an_effective_apology Last Accessed 1/1/2020

5. Mindtools.com

MindTools lists the following steps for giving an apology

1. Express Remorse
2. Admit Responsibility
3. Make Amends
4. Promise That It Won’t Happen Again

https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/how-to-apologize.htm Last Access 1/1/2020