Jesus stated his Golden Rule as follows:
“So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets” (Matt 7:12 NIV) The NASB renders it as follows: “In everything, therefore, treat people the same way you want them to treat you, for this is the Law and the Prophets.” (NASB)
This simple statement is the definition of empathy and relationship management.
This rule, which is also the definition of love, defines empathy in that it requires us to put ourselves in other’s shoes and see the world through their frame of reference. Then we should decide if we were in that place, how would we want to be treated? Then do the same to the other.
It doesn’t require us to use our frame of reference to judge what is good for others. For example, while on the surface it could be interpreted to mean that you should do for others what you would like to have them do for you, the true message is different. It doesn’t mean that if you would love to have someone give you beans to eat when you are hungry, you should give others’ beans when they are hungry, without paying attention to whether they are allergic to beans or dislike it. It doesn’t mean if listening to music calms and relaxes you and that’s something you would want others to provide for you, you should assume the same thing will relax them and provide it for them. It doesn’t mean that if you love others’ giving you gifts on your birthday and throwing you a large party, you should do the same thing to your spouse without paying attention to the fact that he doesn’t love receiving gifts or having parties thrown for him. That would make you the standard for judging and treating others and that’s definitely not what Jesus had in mind. What is good for you isn’t always good for others. We know what is good for others by putting ourselves in their shoes.
In life, we may be in the same storm, but not the same boat. We have different boats. We have unique genetic predispositions and past formative experiences. Even though we all struggle in life, we don’t all struggle in the same way or in the same areas. Even though we all have things we love, we don’t all love the same things or in the same ways. If we are to serve others (which is what Jesus is getting at), we must consider their unique interests, desires, and needs and not look to our interests, desires, and needs to determine what is good for them.
The true message of Jesus’ Golden Rule is that we should put ourselves in others’ shoes (i.e. empathy), understand them deeply, as unique individuals (from their own frame of reference), as you would like to be understood. Then treat them in light of that understanding.
That is empathy in action and is the root of all purely altruistic acts. It is the root of love. Empathy is also the ability to read others’ emotions–feel what they feel. That is the precursor for caring for them enough to relieve their pain and suffering or to simply speak an encouraging word to them. Empathy requires that we know people to be able to rightly put ourselves in their shoes and think and feel what they are thinking and feeling.
